I was recently struck with a rather encouraging thought. It's more like one of those things that you've known for a long time, but never thought it or felt it to such a degree.
So long I've wrestled with the present state of "me." I probably always have, really. I mean, who doesn't in some way, right? Back to point: I've mentioned it before, and certainly far too often, this angst I've carried around about myself. Growing up I fostered a great deal of hope-in-the-future thinking. I drew up this picture of me; how I was going to go off with God to Bible college and live on this constant mountaintop of discovery. I thought I was going to be something epic in it all: on fire, passionate, driven, the go-getter for Jesus. I know those desires and dreams weren't for naught, because I think God has this fantastic way of giving exactly what we desire but completely out of the small box of our brains. He doesn't live within our fantasies; He is the fantastical reality of life. I say this like I'm getting it all and it's a completed course of understanding, but, trust me, I'm writing and clinging to the truth simultaneously, right now.
The issue I've found popping up over the past years since high school, along with some disillusionment, is an almost envious heart towards the past "me." I seemed so much more enthralled with God, then; so much more excited about opportunities with Him, opportunities to go out and know Him through this or that venue. Almost as though I was someone of more potential back then. I guess, in reality, perhaps I was more enthralled with all I could be and do, rather than who God is and what He can do. Therein enters some of that mentioned disillusionment. I found myself failing the idea I had of the post-high school "me." It sounds silly, but maybe it's more a true battle for others than I even realize.
So the past years have been a battle. But one of necessity. God's torn down a lot of preconceived ideas, a lot of messed up beliefs that root deep; down to my marrow. As I wrestle, He goes deeper, challenging my faith, stirring an understanding of really how much I so so SO need Him. And life is so different than it once was. My constant failure comes in believing it was better back then: the high school girl that seemed so much more devoted, driven, and inspired; in a way, so much closer to God. But really, God's been forging a much more fundamental and needed identity: the stamp of His love, His beloved daughter, His Monica, rescued by complete grace and made to walk a unique purpose in His loving, indwelling presence. He took away all of my prescribed venues of "epic living" to show me that the only place I'll find life is in Him, the only thing worth being is His beloved, the amazing feat of life is to receive His love and walk in it. The landscape and job description must follow suit after this reality. And I still wrestle with it.
And here I return to the encouragement I initially mentioned, before this got way too long. One day, just recently, God reminded me that He is the same now as He was then. He is just as present in my life now as He was "back in the day." He is just as fully here, in the midst of all my wrestling and grappling at life, as He was the night I simply knew He loved me and gave my life to Him. You know that verse, "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8)? Well it's true. And I realize, now, how much more sweet and beautiful that truth is than ever.
I hope this encouraged you too. Whatever your story is, perhaps you can simply highlight and delete mine and add your own, but, in the end, see that truth: the reality of God's presence. It hasn't changed, no matter what life looks like, how you feel about it, or even about yourself, and despite, even, how you've failed; He is just as much here, loving you, desiring to give life to the full, and putting His dreams in your heart.
May this help still the chaos in your mind and heart as it has mine. He is big: always has been and always will be. And He's big now, too; maybe now when everything seems to be in opposition to what you envisioned or had planned. He is the Author of Life; the Originator of greatness. Cling to that as you face the onslaughts of confusion and doubt, which will come in fury. And know that perseverance, itself, precedes beautiful stories of overcoming and winning a full life when this fallen world incessantly seeks to suck it dry.
9.11.2013
9.09.2013
reflections from Seattle
It's been so so long. But here I am, grasping at words.
Danny, my daughter, and I just returned from some vacation time in Seattle. It's amazing what getting away can do. Breaking out from the normalcy of life and waking up in a new landscape bears its own special offering: refreshment, perspective, and MUCH needed inspiration. God knows this. I'm glad He provided this time for us.
We found a good balance between "doing" and just "being." I am so thankful for that, because if it's all just "doing" then I'm left with no vacation and, instead, a lot of exhaustion and stress. We stayed with my Aunt, Uncle, and two cousins out at their Redmond, WA oasis for the first two days. I love it there; surrounded by beautiful, green, western Washington country and in the company of some amazing people, we soaked up encouragement and fed on sweet fellowship. God knew we needed all of it. Our second evening there, there was a big gathering with more of the family and we did a chill little celebration for Danny's b-day. The next day was spent at the zoo with siblings, the niece and nephew, and sibs-in-law: way too much fun. Thereafter we were at my other Uncle's house with his fiance and her daughter, enjoying their company and a crazy view of the Puget Sound. We saw more of my brother and sis-in-law too who spent time showing us some of the sweet neighborhoods near their place in the Ballard district. Good coffee was drunk, cool, sometimes rainy weather was enjoyed, and we grew a bit more comfortable with the big, once-ominous city of Seattle. (I cannot emphasize the "cool weather" part enough; these Southern Oregonians are READY for the real autumn weather to arrive.)
What's so interesting is how different life can feel when you step outside of it all and live a few days in a whole different space and context. Something of real life fades away and you start to think bigger thoughts. I found myself going there, when given the chance, and this vacation provided plenty of it. Life back home almost seemed awkward while I sat in the bigness of Seattle. Seven and a half hours south of me there was a valley and in that valley was Medford and in Medford our little apartment stood temporarily vacant. I wasn't even thinking all that much about that as I was just the reality of being outside of it all. I loved it. I loved being away and in something new. I loved being able to literally sit and "think outside of the box": my life. It caused me to hunger for opportunities and ache for all the fullness God would have for my life... all over again. I've felt similar things before, but this time caused me to beseech God for answers. And again be challenged with the very real reality of waiting. I want everything He'd have for us in the valley, in the small city of Medford. I want a new heart and fresh perspective that would draw from His fullness no matter what my landscape for life is. I know it's possible. And I know I'm in process. Even literally, as I'm writing this down now...
Perhaps this seems out of place, and perhaps it won't make a whole lot of sense to you reading, but a bit of song came to mind just now as I ruminated on "what's next, here," and I thought I'd write it down:
"I want to finish last, last in the worlds eyes, but no matter what I do I will be first in Your eyes."
I gave my life to Jesus in a new way the first time I heard that song, back in seventh grade. I think it came, just now, in response to my deep crying out for deep; my heart searching for more; very similar to why He gave it to me that evening so many years ago. But in a fresh way tonight, I find it probing me with meaning...
I wish I could put that meaning more fully into words right now. I just keep sitting, wondering, pondering, wondering. Reality is, I think I struggle not merely "finishing last in the world's eyes," but finishing last in my own. I've had big ideas of myself and often still wrestle with life not matching up with the preconceived persona. I'm a doer, and struggle with "what I do," rather than realizing it's "no matter what I do." It's not to say that doesn't matter altogether, but it is saying that what really matters most is how He loves me. I'm still on quite the adventure to finding that out, even after eight years, since that night long ago when I heard that song and I merely knew that He does indeed love me. I knew that my life was only a mess without Him. I'm still pretty well-aware of the latter, even now, but there is so much more to learn of His love. And that remains big no matter the populace around me or the daily definition of my life.
I go on aching for more. It's not in Seattle, and certainly not indefinitely in Medford; it's truly only in Him.
"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." -Colossians 3:2-3
Danny, my daughter, and I just returned from some vacation time in Seattle. It's amazing what getting away can do. Breaking out from the normalcy of life and waking up in a new landscape bears its own special offering: refreshment, perspective, and MUCH needed inspiration. God knows this. I'm glad He provided this time for us.
We found a good balance between "doing" and just "being." I am so thankful for that, because if it's all just "doing" then I'm left with no vacation and, instead, a lot of exhaustion and stress. We stayed with my Aunt, Uncle, and two cousins out at their Redmond, WA oasis for the first two days. I love it there; surrounded by beautiful, green, western Washington country and in the company of some amazing people, we soaked up encouragement and fed on sweet fellowship. God knew we needed all of it. Our second evening there, there was a big gathering with more of the family and we did a chill little celebration for Danny's b-day. The next day was spent at the zoo with siblings, the niece and nephew, and sibs-in-law: way too much fun. Thereafter we were at my other Uncle's house with his fiance and her daughter, enjoying their company and a crazy view of the Puget Sound. We saw more of my brother and sis-in-law too who spent time showing us some of the sweet neighborhoods near their place in the Ballard district. Good coffee was drunk, cool, sometimes rainy weather was enjoyed, and we grew a bit more comfortable with the big, once-ominous city of Seattle. (I cannot emphasize the "cool weather" part enough; these Southern Oregonians are READY for the real autumn weather to arrive.)
What's so interesting is how different life can feel when you step outside of it all and live a few days in a whole different space and context. Something of real life fades away and you start to think bigger thoughts. I found myself going there, when given the chance, and this vacation provided plenty of it. Life back home almost seemed awkward while I sat in the bigness of Seattle. Seven and a half hours south of me there was a valley and in that valley was Medford and in Medford our little apartment stood temporarily vacant. I wasn't even thinking all that much about that as I was just the reality of being outside of it all. I loved it. I loved being away and in something new. I loved being able to literally sit and "think outside of the box": my life. It caused me to hunger for opportunities and ache for all the fullness God would have for my life... all over again. I've felt similar things before, but this time caused me to beseech God for answers. And again be challenged with the very real reality of waiting. I want everything He'd have for us in the valley, in the small city of Medford. I want a new heart and fresh perspective that would draw from His fullness no matter what my landscape for life is. I know it's possible. And I know I'm in process. Even literally, as I'm writing this down now...
Perhaps this seems out of place, and perhaps it won't make a whole lot of sense to you reading, but a bit of song came to mind just now as I ruminated on "what's next, here," and I thought I'd write it down:
"I want to finish last, last in the worlds eyes, but no matter what I do I will be first in Your eyes."
I gave my life to Jesus in a new way the first time I heard that song, back in seventh grade. I think it came, just now, in response to my deep crying out for deep; my heart searching for more; very similar to why He gave it to me that evening so many years ago. But in a fresh way tonight, I find it probing me with meaning...
I wish I could put that meaning more fully into words right now. I just keep sitting, wondering, pondering, wondering. Reality is, I think I struggle not merely "finishing last in the world's eyes," but finishing last in my own. I've had big ideas of myself and often still wrestle with life not matching up with the preconceived persona. I'm a doer, and struggle with "what I do," rather than realizing it's "no matter what I do." It's not to say that doesn't matter altogether, but it is saying that what really matters most is how He loves me. I'm still on quite the adventure to finding that out, even after eight years, since that night long ago when I heard that song and I merely knew that He does indeed love me. I knew that my life was only a mess without Him. I'm still pretty well-aware of the latter, even now, but there is so much more to learn of His love. And that remains big no matter the populace around me or the daily definition of my life.
I go on aching for more. It's not in Seattle, and certainly not indefinitely in Medford; it's truly only in Him.
"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." -Colossians 3:2-3
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