He was and is... always

I was recently struck with a rather encouraging thought. It's more like one of those things that you've known for a long time, but never thought it or felt it to such a degree.

So long I've wrestled with the present state of "me." I probably always have, really. I mean, who doesn't in some way, right? Back to point: I've mentioned it before, and certainly far too often, this angst I've carried around about myself. Growing up I fostered a great deal of hope-in-the-future thinking. I drew up this picture of me; how I was going to go off with God to Bible college and live on this constant mountaintop of discovery. I thought I was going to be something epic in it all: on fire, passionate, driven, the go-getter for Jesus. I know those desires and dreams weren't for naught, because I think God has this fantastic way of giving exactly what we desire but completely out of the small box of our brains. He doesn't live within our fantasies; He is the fantastical reality of life. I say this like I'm getting it all and it's a completed course of understanding, but, trust me, I'm writing and clinging to the truth simultaneously, right now.

The issue I've found popping up over the past years since high school, along with some disillusionment,  is an almost envious heart towards the past "me." I seemed so much more enthralled with God, then; so much more excited about opportunities with Him, opportunities to go out and know Him through this or that venue. Almost as though I was someone of more potential back then. I guess, in reality, perhaps I was more enthralled with all I could be and do, rather than who God is and what He can do. Therein enters some of that mentioned disillusionment. I found myself failing the idea I had of the post-high school "me." It sounds silly, but maybe it's more a true battle for others than I even realize.

So the past years have been a battle. But one of necessity. God's torn down a lot of preconceived ideas, a lot of messed up beliefs that root deep; down to my marrow. As I wrestle, He goes deeper, challenging my faith, stirring an understanding of really how much I so so SO need Him. And life is so different than it once was. My constant failure comes in believing it was better back then: the high school girl that seemed so much more devoted, driven, and inspired; in a way, so much closer to God. But really, God's been forging a much more fundamental and needed identity: the stamp of His love, His beloved daughter, His Monica, rescued by complete grace and made to walk a unique purpose in His loving, indwelling presence. He took away all of my prescribed venues of "epic living" to show me that the only place I'll find life is in Him, the only thing worth being is His beloved, the amazing feat of life is to receive His love and walk in it. The landscape and job description must follow suit after this reality. And I still wrestle with it.

And here I return to the encouragement I initially mentioned, before this got way too long. One day, just recently, God reminded me that He is the same now as He was then. He is just as present in my life now as He was "back in the day." He is just as fully here, in the midst of all my wrestling and grappling at life, as He was the night I simply knew He loved me and gave my life to Him. You know that verse, "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8)? Well it's true. And I realize, now, how much more sweet and beautiful that truth is than ever.

I hope this encouraged you too. Whatever your story is, perhaps you can simply highlight and delete mine and add your own, but, in the end, see that truth: the reality of God's presence. It hasn't changed, no matter what life looks like, how you feel about it, or even about yourself, and despite, even, how you've failed; He is just as much here, loving you, desiring to give life to the full, and putting His dreams in your heart.

May this help still the chaos in your mind and heart as it has mine. He is big: always has been and always will be. And He's big now, too; maybe now when everything seems to be in opposition to what you envisioned or had planned. He is the Author of Life; the Originator of greatness. Cling to that as you face the onslaughts of confusion and doubt, which will come in fury. And know that perseverance, itself, precedes beautiful stories of overcoming and winning a full life when this fallen world incessantly seeks to suck it dry.