reflections from Seattle

It's been so so long. But here I am, grasping at words.

Danny, my daughter, and I just returned from some vacation time in Seattle. It's amazing what getting away can do. Breaking out from the normalcy of life and waking up in a new landscape bears its own special offering: refreshment, perspective, and MUCH needed inspiration. God knows this. I'm glad He provided this time for us.

We found a good balance between "doing" and just "being." I am so thankful for that, because if it's all just "doing" then I'm left with no vacation and, instead, a lot of exhaustion and stress. We stayed with my Aunt, Uncle, and two cousins out at their Redmond, WA oasis for the first two days. I love it there; surrounded by beautiful, green, western Washington country and in the company of some amazing people, we soaked up encouragement and fed on sweet fellowship. God knew we needed all of it. Our  second evening there, there was a big gathering with more of the family and we did a chill little celebration for Danny's b-day. The next day was spent at the zoo with siblings, the niece and nephew, and sibs-in-law: way too much fun. Thereafter we were at my other Uncle's house with his fiance and her daughter, enjoying their company and a crazy view of the Puget Sound. We saw more of my brother and sis-in-law too who spent time showing us some of the sweet neighborhoods near their place in the Ballard district. Good coffee was drunk, cool, sometimes rainy weather was enjoyed, and we grew a bit more comfortable with the big, once-ominous city of Seattle. (I cannot emphasize the "cool weather" part enough; these Southern Oregonians are READY for the real autumn weather to arrive.)

What's so interesting is how different life can feel when you step outside of it all and live a few days in a whole different space and context. Something of real life fades away and you start to think bigger thoughts. I found myself going there, when given the chance, and this vacation provided plenty of it. Life back home almost seemed awkward while I sat in the bigness of Seattle. Seven and a half hours south of me there was a valley and in that valley was Medford and in Medford our little apartment stood temporarily vacant. I wasn't even thinking all that much about that as I was just the reality of being outside of it all. I loved it. I loved being away and in something new. I loved being able to literally sit and "think outside of the box": my life. It caused me to hunger for opportunities and ache for all the fullness God would have for my life... all over again. I've felt similar things before, but this time caused me to beseech God for answers. And again be challenged with the very real reality of waiting. I want everything He'd have for us in the valley, in the small city of Medford. I want a new heart and fresh perspective that would draw from His fullness no matter what my landscape for life is. I know it's possible. And I know I'm in process. Even literally, as I'm writing this down now...

Perhaps this seems out of place, and perhaps it won't make a whole lot of sense to you reading, but a bit of song came to mind just now as I ruminated on "what's next, here," and I thought I'd write it down: 

"I want to finish last, last in the worlds eyes, but no matter what I do I will be first in Your eyes." 

I gave my life to Jesus in a new way the first time I heard that song, back in seventh grade. I think it came, just now, in response to my deep crying out for deep; my heart searching for more; very similar to why He gave it to me that evening so many years ago. But in a fresh way tonight, I find it probing me with meaning...

I wish I could put that meaning more fully into words right now. I just keep sitting, wondering, pondering, wondering. Reality is, I think I struggle not merely "finishing last in the world's eyes," but finishing last in my own. I've had big ideas of myself and often still wrestle with life not matching up with the preconceived persona. I'm a doer, and struggle with "what I do," rather than realizing it's "no matter what I do." It's not to say that doesn't matter altogether, but it is saying that what really matters most is how He loves me. I'm still on quite the adventure to finding that out, even after eight years, since that night long ago when I heard that song and I merely knew that He does indeed love me. I knew that my life was only a mess without Him. I'm still pretty well-aware of the latter, even now, but there is so much more to learn of His love. And that remains big no matter the populace around me or the daily definition of my life.

I go on aching for more. It's not in Seattle, and certainly not indefinitely in Medford; it's truly only in Him.


"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." -Colossians 3:2-3